Amidst the diversifying and evolving world, we all are bound to shackles of reality known to us as life. Life of teenagers can be hectic and debilitating at its best. The endless noose killing off the dreams of millions of those who dared to venture out into the open, trying to come out of their enclosed chambers and growing while helping the world move forward into the utopia; it is utopia for a reason. The broken isle of haunting memories and trapped past with a pinch of other abuses and traumas have made sure the caged bird is never set free and lives in its own mind, destroying itself slowly until someone decides to write their epitaph. Countless stories of the battered, bruised, shattered and broken are found amongst us, the common teenagers who may have chosen to ignore the slightest of the troubles for the sake of peace, as in the end you know you would be shot down; hard and staggeringly.
I am part of the society who went through the same struggles and had difficulty articulating. Then there are those who go through it endlessly without feeling less miserable.
Back in those days when everything was so cheered up, enjoying and laughing, going on adventures in your mind and just having a good time with friends. As I grew, the fabric of time distorted the space of happiness and created a subtle void which was unnoticeable till I started to be looked down upon. So naive, so lost into the fantasy realm of everything is so great and I’m happy while just having a really positive outlook.
Slowly I was reaching the abyss and my dumb ways of interactions had costed me. I thought everyone really liked me but sooner I realised being fat was never a scope of happiness for anybody. I did enjoy the variety of food, which made me feel elated, but never have I ever imagined that for the same hobby, I would have inherent hatred towards me.
Everyone commented on me being so healthy, but while playing any sports it made me feel worse, like an inflated balloon without the lightness of helium. My confidence had seemed to hit rock bottom because I couldn’t play or do anything properly and overall I was fat and chubby. Sure thing, the lies about me being handsome had made me a fool. It was quintessential to know that I was the corner boy and the class clown; though not someone who can make people laugh, but hated by them. A free spirited approach to everything did deteriorate studies and I failed to prove my worth every time and made a shallow status amongst my peers. People I considered friends turned out to be my well wishers, yet not able to accept myself in the society. It felt like a burden. Don’t worry, I didn’t think of dying because I never knew how it felt for real or closer to it.
The sparks of misery of being a fatass and stupid had become the norm. Whatever I did, it felt useless. Whenever I did got to do something good, nobody acknowledged or noticed because I was that boy who people didn’t like talking to due to such demeanour and persona, irritating everyone when exposed to sight. I wanted to be respected as how I respected everyone trying to be really good for everyone.
I hope I learned an invaluable lesson. My struggles may seem to be vague and not so greater than that of someone who lost an arm or their loved one, but it impacts the ones like me, maybe worse than me.
I was being subjected to invisible bullying while falling into social distress and coming out as a total clown and being perceived as stupid, unintelligent and useless, fat and obscured, ugly, unintelligent and naive drowning in oblivious pursuit. I can go on about my mistakes and miseries in a single moment though it won’t clarify or justify how I overcame it.
I would say that it was devastating for me without any exaggeration or fabrication. It was arduous to have listened to the taunts, insults, contemplating commands and irrefutable clownary. I made a fool out of myself every time, wanting to be like others and trying to be cool achieving a superfluous status of a proficient athlete or the brain of the genius kid; I wished to be appreciated and accepted.
I wanted to be like those normal teenagers (because I never was normal for anyone) and not be an outcast. Just like the Great Fire of London, my reputation and self image had gone down to ashes, and led to the start of chronic depression and persistent feelings of doubt, not being good enough, not being smart enough and not even coming closer to being a person likeable to girls. I hated myself and wanted to talk to my opposite gender fluently and eagerly. The allegory of my tale was that I wasn’t really someone who could do that because it was the harsh truth.
Thus I wanted to change. Change for the better, tilt the balance and become the greater version of who I could be without believing that someone will come to give a hand into the deep dark well, pulling me out of the darkness.
I felt disgusted and twisted by the allegations of being the immature one who has no sense of reality or what goes around for real; they were not wrong. Feeling disrespected, commented on, being commanded, looking like a buffed up version of sasquatch and whatnot. There was this intangible field surrounding me which only indicated that my presence didn’t mean anything, and that whatever I will do would be offending everyone and I do not have any right to carry out a task or have the courage to oppose the claims with my point of view.
Why should I not be doing that? Is it only because I am not worthy or capable of doing so? With a listicle of unending emotions and plethora of contemplations, I reached the epiphany; self improvement and getting polished.
I had to do something to turn the tides for me. I kept on going, taking hold of myself and wading through no matter what. My aspirations were blurry and weakened but I couldn’t just stop believing, wanted to feel good about myself and tap into the magical elixir of abundances. Stopped eating for 2 years though I was hungry. I chose not to eat for the sake of freedom and respect, to feel appreciated and acknowledged. The hope pierced through the clouds of eclipse. I got thinner and less chubby; I managed to get a hold onto being someone bustling with confidence rather than that of an emo boy who had lost all hope.
I reactivated the inner light and pursued the greater endeavours of life. It wasn’t easy and for sure it didn’t occur in one night. I felt like a loser every time I thought I was making progress because I saw nothing significant.
I just went on with patience and relentless perseverance having to remain self motivated and come out as the victor from the den.
I became the person which was in my head and it took me time and belief, with sprinkles of consistency, followed by a vision to replicate who I had wished to become.
I did not mention every scrutinised account of how I transitioned from a hopeless fool to a mindful, wise teen.
I promise millions of you who are struggling or have struggled in the past that you are never alone. Whoever you are or wherever you are, always remember the change begins with you, the foundations of a greater future lies within you and your belief, persistence and acceptance.You will come out as the Titan and you have a choice to make a difference.
Never give up, never quit and never stop believing in yourself.